Anger in a Relationship

Anger.

Some of us feel anxious when we hear that word. Images of an angry partner or spouse come to mind. Or, maybe, when dad lost his cool with mom or with us. We may go to a different place and time. We are no longer in the present. We either go to the past. Or, we go into the future. We don't want the future to be like the past.

Others get on the defense. We prepare for a fight. Our jaws clench, our stomach tightens, and we may start to make a fist. Our volume goes up. We may start to yell. We feel threatened.

Yet, anger is an emotion, only a feeling. It is the behavior and, especially, uncontrolled behavior that is a problem.

Some people become angry often. Some avoid it like the plague.

Simply, it is a misunderstood emotion.

Why do we get angry?

Sometimes, we get frustrated, then annoyed, then angry, then, maybe rageful (various forms of anger) when we make requests and another agrees to meet the request, but doesn't over and over. Please pick up your room, or your socks, or put the dishes in the sink. We overreact. But is it really about the messy room, the socks on the floor, or the dishes in the sink? Probably not. It is our expectation that the other person meant what they said. When they failed to keep their word, we feel hurt, disappointed. As Steven Covey writes, it takes from the relationship bank account -- we lose trust in the other. That really bothers us.

It would save time for the other person just to say, "No, I do not want to do that." But we want to please the other person and we want to avoid the conflict in the short-term. We put off the long-term impending war.

What's the answer to this? Learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and tactfully.

The person who made the request over and over is still expecting the person to keep his/her word. Should we? Maybe; maybe not. Einstein apparently said or wrote that it is insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How many times does a person need fail to keep his/her word before we need to change our approach? Well, you know that old saying: It happens once shame on you; twice shame on me.

Does this mean that I should distrust the person? Maybe, maybe not. We cannot change the other person. We can only influence him or her. People's behavior speaks volumes. It tells us about values and beliefs. Maybe, keeping their word is not important. Or, maybe, he/she overcommits. Or, maybe, they have other needs and values that are more important than the request we made.

So, we have to change. None of us really likes it, but if we want to prevent frustration, annoyance, anger, and rage, we can change our expectations. We may need to change our approach. Or, we may have to drop our request. Or, we may need to look at the relationship or previous ones (with other partners or parents--who taught us what to expect and how to act).

We can take a lesson from rats. They learn that if someone moved the cheese, they need to change their tactics and efforts. They would starve if they stayed in the same spot that they got e cheese the previous time. We stay emotionally starved, hurt, and, then angry when we stay in the same spot relationally.

Another time we become angry is when we have a boundary violated. A boundary is a limit to a certain type of behavior. If someone yells at us, it is probably a boundary violation. If someone gets too close to us when we don't want to be close, that is a boundary violation. If someone hits us, that is a boundary violation. Should this boundary be discarded? No. We need to respond appropriately. Allow the anger to motivate toward assertive, not aggressive, violent behavior. (There are times when one has to evaluate the boundary violation and the proper response. For example, evaluate what is the best immediate response when someone is threatening. Then, figure an assertive follow-up response.) For example, if someone is physically threatening us, when we can get far enough away, call the police or a domestic violence center (to get out of a violent relationship). If someone yells at us, tell them that you don't want to be spoken to in that manner. (If a boss yells at you, you need to consider what action is appropriate. The relationship with him/her is not equal. With a domestic partner or spouse, the relationship is considered equal.)

Obviously, there are many, many details to anger and this is just a start. If you want more individual help, give me a call. If you want more general help, there are many books on emotions and anger management. Take the time to check them out.

Max

Attention Singles: Best US Cities for Singles

Guess what? Forbes has declared Denver-Boulder area as #1 in the whole USA! To think, I only live 75 miles south of Denver. Look for the Special Report on the link above (at Forbes home page).

What was the criteria? Percentage of singles, amount of nightlife (bars, clubs, restaurants), culture, cost of living, job growth, and "coolness" (diversity and number of "creative" workers, like writers, teachers, and, as I recall artists).

I speak with singles, and they often ask where can I meet a man or a woman? Well, for those in Colorado Springs, they could go north. Based on the criteria above, the Springs may be limited because we don't have enough college students and we are considered a "conservative" city, one that is not known for diversity, culture, and creative workers.

However, I do think it is quite possible to find someone to date. However, the rub is that it is difficult to find someone of "quality" -- a typical complaint.

So, what is the answer?

First, we have to be people of quality. Like attracts like. We attract what we think about. If we think about lack of quality people to date, that is what we will get.

I was sitting in a local deli last week near a couple of women chatting about, you know what? Guys! While I sat trying to work on a project, I could not overlook or not hear parts of their conversation. One of them was attractive, but I could have told her why she was having problems just by looking at her body language, which does most of the communicating. In fact, I was tempted to tell her (I didn't). She was "gamey". Dating and relationships were a game to her. Who would she attract? Guys who played games. No wonder she was having problems. She needed to work on her character. Get "real" girlfriend.

Second, we need to communicate our excitement, not be a "neggie" complaining about all the "bad" matches. We should not make up fake excitement. But, if we are people of quality and communicate this with excitement, other "cool" people are going to want to be around us. How do you do this?

To "market" yourself, you need to know who you are. Be one of the best products out there. (See point #1). Then, communicate that with excitement to others. Have you ever been excited about something you bought. You told everybody who would listen about it. You focused on all the positive points. You did not focus on the negative ones probably because you did not notice them.

Can you do that with yourself? Or do you focus on your negative traits and beliefs? We all have weaknesses, but we don't have to focus our mental time on them. If you cannot see this, then it is time to work on your self-concept, self-image, self-esteem. How do you like hanging around with someone who puts you down all day? Then, why do it to yourself?

Is this easy or fast? Sometimes, but it takes time. Give yourself time.

Ok, that is enough for today. Thanks for reading. If I can be of any help with your self-esteem or relationships. Let me know. There is so much more to this. Like looking deeply at our identity, values, beliefs, and actions, but I am running out of time.

Max

Counseling and Customer / Client Service

Today, I went to get an oil change and my emissions checked (we do that in Colorado for clean air purposes) at one of those drive-through centers. Well, I didn't pass in one category, just by a little.

I asked the guy who tested it what I could do. This seemed like a little problem and could have been testing error. That guy told me that I needed to get a tune up, which I might, but I was in a hurry. Basically, nope, this is the way it is, etc.

Because I don't like to be deterred over little problems and was rushed, I went next door to another chain (one of those that specializes in brakes, but does tune ups). Frank looked at the numbers and said that it may have been idling too long and should run it up and down the street. Then, I should retest it.

Sure enough, it passed this time. I remember the names of the two who really helped me, Frank, at the other shop, and Megan, who ran the second test (and who had agreed with Frank's ideas).

What does this have to do with counseling?

First, I had a problem.

Second, I felt frustrated.

Third, I needed some help now.

How did the first guy treat me? He acted as if I didn't have a clue, that he was right, that this is the way it was. He, basically, did his "job".

Frank, on the other hand, listened to my problem, offered me two solutions (get the "cob's" out and, then, if needed, a tune-up -- he would even throw his emissions test in for free).

Megan, listened when I repeated Frank's idea and cooperated.

Isn't this what I do as a counselor?

The client has a problem, is frustrated, and needs some help now.

I try to get a client in as soon as possible, listen to the frustration and problem.

Then, I try to find the simplest solution. If that doesn't work, I talk about a "tune-up". (Of course, maybe, the person needs an overhaul, but that is the third solution.)

It is up to the client. Let's try the simplest solution first.

While people and cars are not the same, they both need the art and science of what makes them work or not. Knowing how to apply the art (the soft side of mechanics -- Chevy's that idle tend to build up certain gases and listen to the customer; the soft side of people -- they have feelings, needs, wants, etc.; listen to them). The science is knowing how cars work or how people work.

The analogy is limited (I don't view people as machines), but can be useful.

I guess this "came up" (some lingo or psycho-babble) because I had been comparing myself to another male therapist. He sounded much more scientific, focused on the "hard" side (if there can be a hard side to a soft science) of counseling or psychology.

While I have a good grasp of the science of counseling and psychology (95th percentile on the Graduate Record Exam for psychology; was top counseling grad student with my program), I believe that relationships, not just facts and techniques, are helpful for clients. Can I apply the "science"? You bet! I can utilize thinking/cognitive techniques. I can use behavior techniques, too. I can help clients find solutions.

Studies also indicate that techniques are only a small portion (15%) of what helps clients. Listening, acknowledging, and validating are much more effective. One study found that the "softer" side of counseling was more effective in helping clients (67% after 6 months, 33% after 18 months). In other words, the relationship is key to counseling.

I know that stats can be used to support just about any idea, but I have also found that changes in my life were made because of the respect I have for a mentor (because of the way they treat me) and the caring they demonstrate.

Well, this has been a long post so I will leave it at this for now.

Thanks for reading.

Max

Hi! It's Been a While! Updated Web Site

Hi! I wanted to take a break from updating my website.

It's been months since I've written, but I'm am going to try to do so more often (especially since I have added a feed link on my site -- I better keep up, or I'll look like I'm not active, huh?) : - )

Well, I have been active, but taking care of the details of my growing private practice, Affinity Counseling, Inc. (www.affinity-counseling.com) and with my kids. My son and I have been spending more time together this summer. Now, he is on vacation with his mom, and I have some extra time.

Anyway, besides adding a new look that, hopefully, you'll like, it's going to have . . .

Articles from . . .

my other website www.kidstherapyplace.com

people like Emmanuel Segui, who is an NLP master practitioner,

Charlie Badenhop, is the originator of Seishindo, an Aikido instructor, NLP trainer, and
Ericksonian Hypnotherapist. His site is: www.seishindo.org

plus, hopefully, some more articles from me and others (in the works!).

Products

My first is Moving Vision to Action, which is by Emmanuel Segui.
To read about it: www.affinity-counseling.com/products/product_vision_to_action.

Ok, it's been long enough of a break. I need to call a couple clients.

I'll try to write more soon.

By the way, thank you to all my clients and web site visitors!

Max