Anger in a Relationship
Anger.
Some of us feel anxious when we hear that word. Images of an angry partner or spouse come to mind. Or, maybe, when dad lost his cool with mom or with us. We may go to a different place and time. We are no longer in the present. We either go to the past. Or, we go into the future. We don't want the future to be like the past.
Others get on the defense. We prepare for a fight. Our jaws clench, our stomach tightens, and we may start to make a fist. Our volume goes up. We may start to yell. We feel threatened.
Yet, anger is an emotion, only a feeling. It is the behavior and, especially, uncontrolled behavior that is a problem.
Some people become angry often. Some avoid it like the plague.
Simply, it is a misunderstood emotion.
Why do we get angry?
Sometimes, we get frustrated, then annoyed, then angry, then, maybe rageful (various forms of anger) when we make requests and another agrees to meet the request, but doesn't over and over. Please pick up your room, or your socks, or put the dishes in the sink. We overreact. But is it really about the messy room, the socks on the floor, or the dishes in the sink? Probably not. It is our expectation that the other person meant what they said. When they failed to keep their word, we feel hurt, disappointed. As Steven Covey writes, it takes from the relationship bank account -- we lose trust in the other. That really bothers us.
It would save time for the other person just to say, "No, I do not want to do that." But we want to please the other person and we want to avoid the conflict in the short-term. We put off the long-term impending war.
What's the answer to this? Learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and tactfully.
The person who made the request over and over is still expecting the person to keep his/her word. Should we? Maybe; maybe not. Einstein apparently said or wrote that it is insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How many times does a person need fail to keep his/her word before we need to change our approach? Well, you know that old saying: It happens once shame on you; twice shame on me.
Does this mean that I should distrust the person? Maybe, maybe not. We cannot change the other person. We can only influence him or her. People's behavior speaks volumes. It tells us about values and beliefs. Maybe, keeping their word is not important. Or, maybe, he/she overcommits. Or, maybe, they have other needs and values that are more important than the request we made.
So, we have to change. None of us really likes it, but if we want to prevent frustration, annoyance, anger, and rage, we can change our expectations. We may need to change our approach. Or, we may have to drop our request. Or, we may need to look at the relationship or previous ones (with other partners or parents--who taught us what to expect and how to act).
We can take a lesson from rats. They learn that if someone moved the cheese, they need to change their tactics and efforts. They would starve if they stayed in the same spot that they got e cheese the previous time. We stay emotionally starved, hurt, and, then angry when we stay in the same spot relationally.
Another time we become angry is when we have a boundary violated. A boundary is a limit to a certain type of behavior. If someone yells at us, it is probably a boundary violation. If someone gets too close to us when we don't want to be close, that is a boundary violation. If someone hits us, that is a boundary violation. Should this boundary be discarded? No. We need to respond appropriately. Allow the anger to motivate toward assertive, not aggressive, violent behavior. (There are times when one has to evaluate the boundary violation and the proper response. For example, evaluate what is the best immediate response when someone is threatening. Then, figure an assertive follow-up response.) For example, if someone is physically threatening us, when we can get far enough away, call the police or a domestic violence center (to get out of a violent relationship). If someone yells at us, tell them that you don't want to be spoken to in that manner. (If a boss yells at you, you need to consider what action is appropriate. The relationship with him/her is not equal. With a domestic partner or spouse, the relationship is considered equal.)
Obviously, there are many, many details to anger and this is just a start. If you want more individual help, give me a call. If you want more general help, there are many books on emotions and anger management. Take the time to check them out.
Max
Some of us feel anxious when we hear that word. Images of an angry partner or spouse come to mind. Or, maybe, when dad lost his cool with mom or with us. We may go to a different place and time. We are no longer in the present. We either go to the past. Or, we go into the future. We don't want the future to be like the past.
Others get on the defense. We prepare for a fight. Our jaws clench, our stomach tightens, and we may start to make a fist. Our volume goes up. We may start to yell. We feel threatened.
Yet, anger is an emotion, only a feeling. It is the behavior and, especially, uncontrolled behavior that is a problem.
Some people become angry often. Some avoid it like the plague.
Simply, it is a misunderstood emotion.
Why do we get angry?
Sometimes, we get frustrated, then annoyed, then angry, then, maybe rageful (various forms of anger) when we make requests and another agrees to meet the request, but doesn't over and over. Please pick up your room, or your socks, or put the dishes in the sink. We overreact. But is it really about the messy room, the socks on the floor, or the dishes in the sink? Probably not. It is our expectation that the other person meant what they said. When they failed to keep their word, we feel hurt, disappointed. As Steven Covey writes, it takes from the relationship bank account -- we lose trust in the other. That really bothers us.
It would save time for the other person just to say, "No, I do not want to do that." But we want to please the other person and we want to avoid the conflict in the short-term. We put off the long-term impending war.
What's the answer to this? Learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and tactfully.
The person who made the request over and over is still expecting the person to keep his/her word. Should we? Maybe; maybe not. Einstein apparently said or wrote that it is insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. How many times does a person need fail to keep his/her word before we need to change our approach? Well, you know that old saying: It happens once shame on you; twice shame on me.
Does this mean that I should distrust the person? Maybe, maybe not. We cannot change the other person. We can only influence him or her. People's behavior speaks volumes. It tells us about values and beliefs. Maybe, keeping their word is not important. Or, maybe, he/she overcommits. Or, maybe, they have other needs and values that are more important than the request we made.
So, we have to change. None of us really likes it, but if we want to prevent frustration, annoyance, anger, and rage, we can change our expectations. We may need to change our approach. Or, we may have to drop our request. Or, we may need to look at the relationship or previous ones (with other partners or parents--who taught us what to expect and how to act).
We can take a lesson from rats. They learn that if someone moved the cheese, they need to change their tactics and efforts. They would starve if they stayed in the same spot that they got e cheese the previous time. We stay emotionally starved, hurt, and, then angry when we stay in the same spot relationally.
Another time we become angry is when we have a boundary violated. A boundary is a limit to a certain type of behavior. If someone yells at us, it is probably a boundary violation. If someone gets too close to us when we don't want to be close, that is a boundary violation. If someone hits us, that is a boundary violation. Should this boundary be discarded? No. We need to respond appropriately. Allow the anger to motivate toward assertive, not aggressive, violent behavior. (There are times when one has to evaluate the boundary violation and the proper response. For example, evaluate what is the best immediate response when someone is threatening. Then, figure an assertive follow-up response.) For example, if someone is physically threatening us, when we can get far enough away, call the police or a domestic violence center (to get out of a violent relationship). If someone yells at us, tell them that you don't want to be spoken to in that manner. (If a boss yells at you, you need to consider what action is appropriate. The relationship with him/her is not equal. With a domestic partner or spouse, the relationship is considered equal.)
Obviously, there are many, many details to anger and this is just a start. If you want more individual help, give me a call. If you want more general help, there are many books on emotions and anger management. Take the time to check them out.
Max
posted by Max Stager, MA, LPC, NCC @ 12:05 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home