Angry Behavior

What is angry behavior?

Well, anger is really not a behavior, but it is an energizing emotion (by the way, some have labelled E-Motions Energy in MOTION). It leads us to take some sort of action.

What kind of choices do I have?

I can be aggressive. Aggression means yelling, screaming, threatening, fighting, hitting, etc.

Most of those behaviors can get us into trouble in relationships and with the law (Harrassment, menacing, assualt, domestic violence, manslaughter, murder).

I can be passive. Being passive means that I don't take action. Sometimes, it can feel as if I am being a door mat for others to wipe their feet on (icky).

If I take action because of my anger, I may be hurt emotionally or physically. Being passive protects me from being hurt. (There are times, not many, when it is better to be passive for our own protection.)

However, there can be a cost to being passive, to not using the energy that comes with anger.

For example, the kick the cat syndrome, which means we are passive with a boss but come home and kick the cat out of anger.

Or, we can take it out on ourselves by drinking or doing other self-harming activities.

The third choice is being assertive. Being asservtive means that I take an action. However, I am not reacting; I am acting. I am responding appropriately. If someone stands on my toe, I say, "Ouch" and ask the person to move off my toe.

Sometimes, there are no seemingly appropriate actions. For example, when someone is driving slowly (relatively) in the left lane of traffic, I may be stuck. However, there are usually windows of opportunity to move around this person. However, if I am focused on being passive (not doing anything about this situation) or aggressive (flashing my lights, flipping the person off, honking), I may miss the appropriate action. I can make a different choice.

The key word here is "choice". No, not passing on the shoulder. But, maybe, looking ahead to see if this person may turn soon or change lanes soon. Sometimes, people simply do not pay attention. Maybe, it is a chance for me to practice patience. Maybe, I need to check traffic and pass the person when there is an additional lane available. The key is making the appropriate choice. The reality of the situation is that I will probably not be able to make the person change. The good news is that I can change my response IF I WANT TO!

By the way, I pick the driving scenarios because I hear about them and experience them so often. They lead to so much frustration and aggravation.

Hopefully, this has been helpful. If it has, great. If not, I tried. Either way, it is late so I am going to close for today.

Max

Angry Again?

Feeling angry again?

If you are like many people, it happens all too often.

The person who was driving in the left lane 10 mph below the speed limit. Does this ever happen to you? Not supposed to pass in the right lane, but this person seems to be too involved with their own thoughts, a cell phone conversation, talking to her dogs (I observed this one today) or, simply, likes to avoid the "problems" of the right lane (you know, other cars merging or turning or something) so you either have to hang out behind them or pass in the right lane. I don't know why these people drive like this. It doesn't really matter. Why? Because it is REALITY! The person IS in the left lane going slow for whatever reason.

The slacker who got the promotion to supervisor because she didn't spend time on her computer, but spent time "smoozing" her supervisor. They don't do anything to promote the company's bottom line like you do, but they move ahead, moving to their level of incompetence (the Peter Principle). Arggh! (Charlie Brown would say.) It may not seem fair, but it is what? REALITY!

So, what can I do with REALITY?

I can either react or respond.

When I react, I feel irritated, frustrated, annoyed, frustrated, angry, or rageful. The more incensed I feel, the more likely I will make a poor choice in behavior. This behavior can vary from complaining to a co-worker or partner to more aggressive behavior like flipping the person off or threatening him or her. Do I really need to do that? Do I feel better? (Only temporarily, by the way.) Inside, my blood pressure has gone up. I may get a headache. Do I need these symptoms. Doesn't sound healthy does it?

Or, I could respond. What information is this situation providing me? About myself? About planning ahead? About my lifestyle? About how to drive? About how to work? If I listen to those answers, I will be farther ahead. I will quit wasting time complaining and doing ineffective behaviors and start learning from life and about myself.

Is it easy? NO! It is difficult to change my mindset. Who promised us that life would be easy? (Another thing to make us angry, right?)

Is it worth it? YES! Making deep changes in our life is worth it.

Or we could simply stay angry and stuck.

Stressed? Ready for the Weekend?

Ah, the weekend. Time to kick back and relax, right?

Yea, maybe.

Some of us will be very busy this weekend. We will mow the lawn, wash the car (and clean out all those papers and trash that have accumulated over the week), finish (or start) the laundry, clean the house, maybe do some work that we didn't get done during our 40, 50, or 60 hours on the job.

Some will sleep in and try to catch up on all the sleep we missed. (The average American, I've heard sleeps around 6 hours a night. Yet, I have heard that the most important sleep happens between the 1-1/2 between hours 6-1/2 and 8. That's when ideas are probably the easiest to remember because it is the lightest times of sleep.)

Some will rush off to go camping, fishing, or hiking, or maybe, drinking, and dancing to the wee hours. They will get some time away.

Do these activities relax us, allow us to decompress, or de-stress?

It depends on the person.

Some of us will do them because our partner wants us to do them, we are so tired we can't seem to sleep enough, or we feel we "should" have a clean house, a clean car, a manicured lawn. Those who "tie one on" will lose a lot of stress quickly until the next morning (when their head hurts because the alcohol dehydrated the brain and all the water we drink hydrates it pressing it against our cranium).

Does that sound relaxing?

Not to me. It sounds stressful.

So, what should we do? Keep going without sleep, not go on that trip, or have a dirty house, etc.?

Maybe.

While many activities provide temporary relief from stress, which is a positive thing (which is why we keep doing them), they don't provide an answer to a long-term or bigger problem.

It is important to ask ourselves -- Why?

Why do I do what I do?

If we do things we don't really want to do or because we feel obligated, that is a different cause of stress.

If it leads to arguments with our partner, friends, or the person who bumped into us and caused us to spill our drinks, it may not be worth it.

If we do it to avoid arguments or to get away, it is a temporary relief. But, it does not relieve some of the deeper causes of stress.

So, what are these deeper causes? Being at a job we detest for a majority of our waking hours and not doing anything about it. Having a relationship with someone we don't like or acting in ways we are not proud of and not taking a look at why.

Most of our behavior is controlled by the following areas:

1. What we believe about the world.

(What is it about? Some with spiritual or religious beliefs look at this area at least once in a while.) Do my actions reflect my beliefs about the world. Do I want to change that world view? Where can I get this information?

We may not want to trust our experience. Our viewpoint is limited, and do we want to believe that there is not enough to go around, that it is a dog-eat-dog world?

2. What we believe about ourselves, who we are, what our identity is.

What is my self-concept and how is my self-esteem?

Do my actions reflect who I truly am? Am I important or not? Am I loveable? Am I valuable?

Again, don't base your answer on your experience alone. Failures are really feedback about what works and what doesn't. If we feel like a failure deep down, how can our actions not be impacted. Won't we choose a partner who is similar, and won't that led to a few arguments and a break up or divorce? Won't we choose dead end jobs? Won't we raise kids who have even more problems than the ones they face already?

3. What we value.

What do we really value? A clean car or a happy family? A manicured lawn or a good relationship? In other words, what is most important? What are our priorities?

We don't have time to do everything we "should" (often, self-imposed or perceived obligations) or could do, but we do have time to do things we truly value.

If we plan our weekend from the top down (our world view, identity, and values)instead of from what is expedient or a quick fix, we will start to become less stressed in the long run.

Why not take an hour each weekend to truly look at these things so we can make better and less stressful decisions. Sure, you are busy and want to relax. And, you can. But take some time to figure out why and how to make your entire life more how you want it to be.

If you want some additional help with these ideas, go here: www.affinity-counseling.com/products/product_vision_to_action. Moving from Vision to Action is a great ebook that makes these changes simple. It's easy to read and use!

Max

What Good Is a Relationship?

Relationships? What are they good for? Some may say to echo a song from long ago, "Absolutely nothing!" (It was about war, which is what many relationships feel like.)

I believe it was Harville Hendrix who wrote that relationships half of all realtionships end in divorce, and half of the remaining ones are unhappy. That's a lot of unhappy relationships.

Is there any hope?

I'd say, Yes! It requires a lot of effort, but a different kind of effort.

It helps to have similar interests, to have some chemistry, but those are just the beginning.

Most relationships start off not being very honest. Face it, we put on our best clothes, try to say all the right things, and are very attentive.

What's wrong with that?

It "ain't" real. How can we get to know each other if we are not being geniune?

So should I wear my t-shirt with holes in it, not wear any make up, talk like I am in the lockerroom, and ignore my date?

Probably not. However, we can discuss our lives openly. Not every little or big problem we have. Not every piece of dirty laundry on the first date.

But let's face it. That person sitting across from you has some big mistakes in his/her background. Everybody does. Everybody has issues. If they don't, they have not been alive.

Besides that, we both know it. We know that you are not very different from me. Maybe, you haven't cheated on your last boyfriend or girlfriend, or, maybe, you did. Or maybe, just maybe, you thought about it with that gorgeous girl/guy. (By the way, thinking about it may be providing info about what you want in a relationship or what your true motives in life are.)

Should you tell him/her all this right away? No, and, maybe, you should never tell him or her.

Instead, you can share your successes and struggles. Be up front, a little at a time as you build trust.

If you and I both know we have all sorts of stuff inside, but we don't ever talk about it, how real is that. How can I trust you? How can you trust me? What a great way to start a relationship? Wrong!

Who wants to get six months or six years down the road and realize that the person we are with is nothing like the guy / woman we dated. We can only put on a show for so long. Eventually, our real selves come out whether we like it or not, whether he or she likes it or not.

Well, what if that great guy/woman breaks up with me? Well, so, what? Is he/she really so great if they reject me?

But it hurts to feel rejected? Yes, it does. But would you rather feel rejected now or months or years from now, especially after you invested all that time and love and care? You tell me.

Trust is essential to a relationship, but we have to be truthful and honest so we can depend on each other. Besides that, won't it feel great if that other person loves us for who we are, not who we pretend to be? What if they accept me just the way I am? Whether I have a bad hair day, gain a few pounds, or have some wrinkles. Whether I can run the 100-yard-dash in 10 seconds or 10 minutes.

Isn't that what most of us really want?

Does this mean I shouldn't take care of myself or "cuss like a sailor". Is that being honest with ourselves? Is that living for our highest? Is that really caring for ourselves? No, but we can change these things. We can make an effort to look at them and adjust our lives. But do it for real, not on the surface, temporarily. Change what you can change about yourself.

Be the person you would like to be with. Eventually, sooner or later, he or she will come to us. Be honest, geniune, real with yourself. Change what you need to change in yourself. Then, attract a person who can trust, someone like you.